Guilt & Shame And The Sexual Relationship

Photo by Deon Black on LetsTalkSex

According to the American Psychological Association (APA, 2020), Shame is identified as a highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s own conduct or circumstances.

While Guilt is a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong. It is distinct from shame, in which there is an additional strong fear of one’s deeds being publicly exposed to judgment or ridicule. 

As a rule of thumb, shame is a feeling of being judged through the eyes of others, while guilt is a self-imposed judgment or punishment.

Shame and guilt are two self-conscious emotions commonly experienced by most individuals throughout their lives. The manifestation of these emotions can have a number of different origins but it would be safe to say that most sedimented belief systems around guilt and shame stem from our childhood experiences. Both guilt and shame are emotions that hold such a tight grip over how we relate in the world that many find it near impossible to let go and surrender to a healthy thinking and behaving pattern. We often learn how to feel ashamed or guilty from a young age and after a period of time both emotions become engrained in our narrative and self-talk. What occurs next is that we begin to associate both emotions with our self-image which is cemented further by experiences that potentially provoke both emotions to arise.

Sex is Freedom

The ability to have sex with a partner who is accepting of who you are and desiring to engage sexually with you is a beautiful experience and a hope of mine that any reader of this article has the opportunity to experience. I see sex as a means of expression. It is a moment of being completely connected to your body, emotions and thinking all at once. It is a moment of pure surrender with another person where you can share in the delights of the other person’s mind, and body & soul. It is the depth that accompanies this type of sexual expression that allows us to experience a sense of absolute freedom.

If we hold the view that sex = freedom, by allowing guilt and shame to enter the bedroom we diminish the chances of experiencing freedom. This can lead to a number of sexual dysfunctions physically and relationally with a partner or individually. 

Guilt in the bedroom

Guilt in the bedroom shrouds the individuals thinking with feelings of doing something wrong. If you carry thoughts of having done something wrong there is more than likely the individual will begin to overcompensate for their supposed wrong actions. This overcompensation can present itself in the form of neediness and have a consistent need for reassurance. This places strain on any relationship because there is a constant stop/start sensation where you have to reassure your partner that everything is fine which takes away from being present and fluid in the experience.

Guilt leaves the individual with a constant sense of anxiety and this anxiety can lead to performance issues for men (Erectile Dysfunction), and potential blockages for women (Vaginismus or Dyspareunia) depending on the severity of the anxiety and guilt.

A helpful exercise that can be practiced daily is simply trying to be present with yourself moment to moment. The intention behind such an exercise is to allow you the opportunity to be more conscious of how you are feeling and thinking in the experience you are in. This way you can navigate the urge for reassurance or the urge to connect with guilty feelings. It is through this greater awareness that you can identify when guilt comes up but equally can navigate the internal dialogue to not allow guilt to overpower you.

Shame in the bedroom

When we can cultivate a common sense in the bedroom of feeling free within our sexuality, we have begun to master a gift we all have access to. Shame is one of those potential blockages that can stop us from reaching this sense of freedom and it can manifest itself in other ways too. 

Disgust is one of the most common sensations attached to shame and this can occur from you towards your partner, towards yourself, or towards the sexual act. There is a very high chance that if you are feeling disgust, there is unprocessed shame that you have not looked at. Remember that having sexual challenges or problems does not mean that you or your body are disgusting or wrong, what it does mean is that you need to debunk this narrative and create a new and healthy relationship with your sexual self.  

Desire and arousal problems occur internally and externally when we harbor shame. Often the shamed person will use the shame to diminish their desire and arousal and not allow themselves the freedom of sexual expression. This develops further into a type of castigated relationship with oneself. This pushes the individual to look for more extreme experiences to provoke desire and arousal in the body and look for abusive type relationships reinforcing the/a belief that “this is the type of relationship I deserve”.

Speak with your partner or a professional about how this shame manifests itself in the relationship and how this impacts your desire and arousal. Creating the type of relational environment where we do not fear speaking from an emotional point of view, and do not feel it necessary to take responsibility for our partners’ emotion is a strong position to be in. This is where two individuals can be with each other in their individual emotional states and be present. There is no need to rescue or save your partner from their emotional state and this process in itself normalizes the potential of shame and guilt.

Another aspect of shame that needs to be touched on is the role of secrecy and deviating from telling the truth when we experience shame. Because our emotional wounds are so painful at times, when we feel shame speaking our truth becomes very difficult, but is very necessary in being able to take ownership of the shame we feel. So, if you notice yourself deviating and becoming very resistant to telling the truth, be mindful that there is something that you need to work on here, because unprocessed this eventually leads to communication breakdown.

Some pointers on dealing with shame and guilt

Here are some points to consider when getting rid of shame and guilt especially in respect to allowing these useless emotions to enter the bedroom. 

• It is normal to feel guilt and shame because our society has allowed such emotions to infiltrate the manner in which we relate, and are often at times methods of control used to manipulate us into doing things we don’t want to do. This does not mean that we have to have either.

• As an emotional baseline, there is nothing wrong with knowing that you have done something wrong and feel bad for your choices. But this is respective of you being conscious of your mistake and making the relevant choices to correct and manage the relationship or pain. However, when we have guilt and shame being constantly present, this is not a “normal” baseline. This is a situation where you have more than likely learnt how to be like this. This also means that there are ways for you to unlearn this unhealthy manner of relating to your sexual self.  

• Give voice to the guilt and shame and begin understanding what each represents for you and where they potentially started becoming part of your internal dialogue and sexual self-image. Start taking more conscious time to reflect and understand the way you relate in the way you do. There is an abundance of helpful books and information that can assist on this journey of understanding yourself better so you don’t have to look very far, but you do have to make the choice and face up to these emotions.  

  • Come as you are (Emily Nagoski)

  • The body is not an apology (Sonya Renee Taylor)

  • Becoming Cliterate (Dr Laurie Mintz)

  • Queer Sex (Juno Roche)

  • The Wild Woman’s Way (Michaela Boehm)

  • Sex for one (Dr Betty Dodson)

  • The Vagina Bible (Jennifer Gunter)

Your sexuality is entirely your own and it is essential to work towards feeling free in your sexual self. Our sexuality is often overlooked but central to our overall well-being. It is interconnected to most parts of our lives, so when you do take the leap of faith and begin working more on this, there is no doubt that you will experience a beautiful sense of tranquillity and freedom.

Massimo Stocchi-Fontana

I am a Sexologist, Accredited Sex Coach, Psychological Therapist, Executive Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, Accredited CPD Speaker and a 200 RYT Yoga Instructor. Sorry for the mouthful :) apart from the professional accreditations, I have dedicated my life to the study of psychology and sexology with the fundamental aim of helping people realize their true sexual self-image. Equally understanding that the sense of mental and bodily freedom is available to everyone through doing the necessary work.

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