What's All The Hype About Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Photo by Deon Black on Unsplash
Finding the one. An ultimate goal that rules (almost) everyone's love life! Well, all the good stories talk about it. The only thing you know is that, you too, you gotta find it! This person with whom you're supposed to live a long and happy life.
Except that... It doesn't take long to notice a contradictory trend: nowadays, fewer people are getting married, and it becomes rarer to spend your entire life with one and only partner. Far from the ideal of "the one", most of us experience love with multiple partners over the course of a lifetime. In fact, that's what became the norm!
Thus, is it that surprising to hear about people "investigating" what is possible beyond the concept of monogamy? Perhaps you've already heard of "new" trends such as ethical non-monogamy, all over people's bio on dating apps.
A 2020 poll states that 43% of US millennials consider non-monogamy as their ideal relationship type.
So, what's the hype all about?
What is monogamy?
We live in a society widely monogamous, so let's start off by clarifying what monogamy is, and where it comes from.
What does monogamy mean?
The word "monogamy" comes from the Greek "monos", which means single, and "gamos", marriage. Thus, it refers to the practice of being in an exclusive relationship (or marrying) one person at a time.
Nowadays, humans tend more towards monogamy, and among Western societies, that is the norm when relating to one another in the context of a love relationship. A typical partnership consists of mating and raising offsprings together. That's probably one of the reasons why we became monogamous in the first place!
In comparison, people are likely to have a negative perception of non-monogamy, seen as a practice linked with cheating, disrespecting, and taking advantage of others. At the same time, a study revealed that 59.6% of the respondents divorced because of infidelity. So, in some ways, do we fail in meeting our expectations (and our partner's ones) when it comes to living together?
If we consider all mammal species (including us, humans) that exist on the planet, only 3 to 5% practice social monogamy.
Then, why are we monogamous? And are we really made for that?
Since when are we monogamous, and why?
Monogamy is a norm that isn't older than… 10,000 years. In contrast, the early modern homo sapiens dates from 200,000 years back, while our ancestors have been on the planet for more than 2 million years! Before that, we were polygamous like most mammals, and scientists still aren't entirely sure of the reasons for this transition...
Around 75 million years ago, the earlier primates used to get together only to mate, but were primarily solitary creatures. Then, in the dawning of agriculture and farming, humans started living in larger groups, and that's when the switch to monogamy occurred!
Several theories are aiming to explain this transition, but none are confirmed yet. For example, one study claims that as groups became larger, STDs began spreading among communities. Thus, the risks of increasing infections would have pushed early humans to change their sexual behavior: it's in this way that monogamy might have settled as a social norm, up to today!
Another theory states that monogamy was established to preserve wealth through marriage, and that promiscuity between two partners was an excellent way to protect the infants from other males who might desire to mate with the mother.
But one thing is sure: monogamy penetrated our lifestyle for reasons of order and convenience rather than being the natural way of relating to one another.
Monogamy today: a broken model?
While monogamy is the backbone of our society model, infidelity remains surprisingly common! A survey led by Bedbible reveals that 20% of men and 13% of women have already cheated on their partners in the US. Furthermore, according to 2012 statistics, one in seven divorces was granted because of adultery.
In the meantime, the number of heterosexual marriages keeps on declining all over Europe: it has halved since 1965 in Italy, decreased by 2.8% between 2016 and 2017 in England & Wales, and reached an all-time low in 2019 in the US, with 33 people being married for every 1000 unmarried adults.
The increasing number of divorces also shows that the ideal of monogamy is far from being a reality for all. In the US, there is a growing trend of divorces among older adults above 50 years old: it even has a name "gray divorce", which doubled between 1990 and 2010.
Consequently, all those different dynamics contribute to raising the number of partners people have in their lifetime. In fact, numbers show that since 1910 and over the years, people in the US have had increasingly more sexual partners. A recent Superdrug survey has also revealed that the average number of sexual partners for men and women is 7.2 in the US, 7 in the UK, and 5.4 in Italy.
Relationships are complicated, and we all have different needs and desires. What if there isn't one single recipe that fits us all?
The rise of ethical non-monogamy
It's not surprising that the legitimacy of monogamy is being put on the table. Some consider that monogamy restrains people's freedom and instincts, reflects the possessiveness of marriage, and is simply... unnatural.
As monogamous relationships don't always work out, it's only fair to wonder about the benefits of opening our partnerships, right? So let's take a closer look at ethical non-monogamy, and what it is all about.
What is ethical non-monogamy?
If you're on dating apps, you've probably come across this term more than once. Bob, 31, ethical non-monogamous. What does Bob mean by that?
For starters, there are two types of non-monogamy: nonconsensual, which is basically cheating, and consensual, which relies on the consent of all the people involved. So calling this orientation "ethical" is already a statement: the idea of consent is central.
Being ethically non-monogamous is the fact of having more than one partner (sexual and/or romantic) at a time. It can refer to anything that doesn't fit the norm of exclusivity between two people.
For a non-monogamous relationship to be ethical, everyone involved needs to be aware of the situation. Polyamory, swinging, and open relationships are all forms of ethical non-monogamy, also called consensual non-monogamy.
For some, it's experienced as a lifestyle, but for others, it feels more like an identity or a sexual orientation, such as being queer.
And it's a growing trend! A 2020 poll revealed that on 1,300 adults in the US, one-third declared being in a non-monogamous relationship, and that millennials are less likely to want a monogamous relationship.
But first things first, how to define those who are not monogamous?
Types of ethical non-monogamous relationships
There are as many approaches to dating that there are people. In other words, there isn't one way to be non-monogamous, as your relationship should be a reflection of your desires and boundaries. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses all the following:
Polygamy: being married to multiple partners at the same time, which is allowed by very few countries. There is a distinction to make, though: polyandry concerns a woman with multiple husbands, while polygyny refers to a man with multiple wives.
Polyamory: being in a relationship with more than one person at the time, regardless of sex and gender. There is no hierarchy between the partners, they are all seen as equals. It can involve loving relationships and marriage, but not necessarily, and has to be consensual. Being polyamory is almost considered part of someone's identity, more than just being a way to relate to lovers.
Hierarchical relationship: the concept of prioritizing one relationship (generally seen as the primary one) over the others (considered as secondary partners).
Open relationship: a relationship in which both partners agree that it's ok to have sex with other people. It generally doesn't involve the emotional side of a relationship, and originates from the desire of one (or both) partners for sex outside of each other.
Monogamish: people who are mostly monogamous but have occasional casual sex with other people. It can occur in the context of an open relationship, for example.
Swinging: very similar to open relationships, however, it generally includes the primary partner too. Swinging can take the form of a threesome or a partner swap with another couple.
Cuckolding: a practice in which a couple brings a third person to have sex with one of the partners, while the other one is watching.
How to practice ethical non-monogamy?
First, reflect on your motivations. What is it that you want to get out of a non-monogamous relationship?
Singles and couples alike can engage in non-monogamy. Indeed, you can still be monogamous while having a primary relationship. It simply has to be something both parties desire.
An ethical non-monogamous relationship is craftable as you wish, according to your desires, needs, and boundaries. For example, some people are monogamish, meaning that they are mostly monogamous but have occasional sex with other people.
For an ethical non-monogamous relationship to work out, you'll need rules. Partners need to agree first on what is allowed and shared or not. For example:
sex is allowed but without the emotional side of things
avoid spending too much time with secondary partners
avoid friend-requesting lovers on social media
etc.
Honesty, communication and transparency are essential. Otherwise, it cannot be an ethical relationship.
The same goes for consent. Without the consent of all the people involved, it cannot be ethical.
Remember that nothing is perfect: monogamy as non-monogamy. In the end, it's all about what YOU want, and the necessity to be authentic.
Benefits of ethical non-monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy gives the possibility to explore sexuality freely: understanding your desires, and on the contrary, the things you don't like, your personal boundaries, your capacity for intimacy, connection, and more.
Within an ethical non-monogamous relationship, you've got to learn to ask for what you want, communicate with your partner, and definitely keep an open mind. In a few words: trust, self-knowledge, awareness, and letting go.
Having several partners allows you to get what you need from other people, without putting pressure on your existing relationship.
Being non-monogamous is a good way to spice things up with your partner, particularly if you feel stuck or drawn to try something new.
It's perfect for those who have a hard time committing to one relationship, if you're simply not ready, or if you fell in love with multiple persons. Perhaps there is more about yourself that you still need to discover?
As for couples, switching to non-monogamy can be great to reinforce their commitment to each other.
Ethical non-monogamy opens possibilities for those who like to be with both men and women.
Resources about ethical non-monogamy
Testimonials
3 People Reveal Why Polyamorous Relationships Work For Them, Insider
We Asked 4 Ethically Non-Monogamous Daters What Their Terms Are, CBC
Podcasts
Books
The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, Dossie Easton
Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, And What It Means For Modern Relationships, Christopher Ryan
Watch
Monogamy, Netflix Serie Explained
Changing The Way We Think About Consensual Non-Monogamy, TEDx Talks
Lessons From My Ethical Non-Monogamous Household, TEDx Talks
Love Lessons From Open Relationships, TEDx Talks
Polyamory, TEDx Talks
Is Monogamy Dead? TEDx Talks
Happy exploration ♥
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